Wednesday, November 23, 2005Control versus structure: is there a difference?
Many people who struggle with eating issues have a love-hate relationship with control. On the one hand, they know that controlling their food intake and their exercise regimen makes them feel better. On the other hand, the control often feels tight and rigid, bringing back memories of childhood authorities against whom you were powerless.
The pattern usually goes like this: you control obsessively for a day, a week, a month. You count every calorie, exercise every day, and spend much time obsessively thinking about food and the denial of food. After some time, you give up and explode, bingeing on everything that comes your way. You can't even consider going back to the rigid control, yet feel the devastating cost of "losing it" in every part of your psyche. The more you act out this cycle, the shorter the "control" periods last, and the longer the "let-it-all-hang-out" periods take their toll. Most of the clients I see begin their day by going to go on a diet but are bingeing by early evening! Sound familiar? Here is an answer, which lies in the difference between control and structure. Look at the dictionary definition of those two words. CONTROL: To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over. STRUCTURE: Something made up of a number of parts that are held or put together in a particular way. The way in which parts are arranged or put together to form a whole. How does this apply to eating and exercise? When you control your food intake and exercise, you are "exercising authoritative or dominating influence over" yourself. Control is rigid. It does not allow for change, error, or compassion. When you control, you are not paying attention to what your body needs. Rather, you are "dominating" your body, paying attention only to external rules rather than internal clues. Structure is different. You decide what structure to create for yourself, a structure that can encompass what your body needs, what your personality desires, and the variables life brings you on a daily basis. Structure keeps you safe. I use Quicken, a financial program, because it gives me structure for how to spend -or not spend- my money. Without Quicken, I control too tightly or spend compulsively. With structure, I am BASED IN REALITY about what I need and can play within the structure depending on the day. I can choose to forego my weekly dining allowance for a sweater I love. Or give up my organic groceries for a few weeks knowing Thanksgiving will cost me a bundle. I have encouraged many of my clients to create a structure by signing onto www.myfooddiary.com. THEY can decide the structure they want to create. They can decide how many calories they want to eat a day, depending on whether they want to lose weight or not. They can decide how much exercise they are willing to do, knowing that when they do it, they get to eat more. With structure, people get to be grown-ups, choosing consciously what they really want, and living with the consequences of those choices. The way I see it is this: on one hand is control. On the other side is chaos and a free-for-all. And in the middle lies structure. Try it. You may just have found an important key Monday, November 14, 2005A Date with Your Body
Many people who struggle with overeating have no clue what their bodies really want. They look to the Atkins Diet, or the South Beach diet, or even the grapefruit diet to find out what they really need and have little trust that the answer lies inside themselves. Unfortunately, like meddling aunts who think they know what's best for you, diets do not take YOUR body into account. They invite you to forego a relationship with your body and self by abdicating responsibility to them. Isn't it time to stop letting others tell you what's good for you and find out who your body really is?
A client named Stephanie represents what millions of Americans go through every day. She is a strong and financially successful woman who is fiercely independent. She would be irate if anyone tried to tell her what to do, whether in her personal or professional life. And yet, like many others, she relies on the latest diet to decide what to put into her body. If you ask her what her body needs, she spews the latest research on the evil nature of fat and carbohydrates, forgetting that she only allowed carbohydrates to enter her mouth a few years before. She used to be a frantic jogger 10 years ago but now takes a Yogalates class along her other fashionable friends. Stephanie has no clue what her body really needs. She is willing to make life-changing decisions based on what the "experts" say, rather than her own body. In fact, Stephanie does not know her body. This ally that she lives with, that she could not live her life without, is a stranger to her. Can you imagine having a partner that you never took the time for? Can you imagine asking outsiders for help in how to be in relationship with this partner without listening to input from him or her? This is what most of you act out onto your body. Your body is your life long partner. Without your body, you do not have a life. Your body works hard for you every day, performing millions of miracles every second you are alive. Do you know this body of yours? Do you know the way it speaks to you? Do you know when it is hungry, tired, or needing to move? Do you take it into consideration before making decisions that considerably impact it? Or do you listen to what outsiders tell you, trusting them rather than yourself? It is time to make a date with your body. Commit to spending 15 minutes a day listening, really listening. Whether you take a yoga class, meditate, or just get quiet, your body will happily communicate with you. Know that your body may not speak to you the way you expect it. And that each body communicates differently. So be open to its language, and soon, you will be awed by its wisdom. Trust me. Your life will be so much better for it. Monday, November 07, 2005Seeing your body as beautiful is YOUR choice. And you'll feel much better for it.
So many of the people I work with hate their bodies. They hate their thighs, their stomachs, their noses, or their love handles. They hate themselves for overeating and for not exercising. They berate themselves when they can't stay on a diet and criticize themselves when their bodies don't feel good.
What do you think this self-rejection does to your life? Have you ever considered doing something new? Opening to a different perception? What might that do to your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual self... Many of my clients are tortured souls when they start with me. When I teach them to use love rather than self-hate, they are convinced I must be insane. How could I possibly think they are going to stop overeating if they are loving with themselves? How will they ever get off the couch by being kind? They swear that self-rejection is the only thing keeping them from fully self-destroying. So I make them do an experiment. For a week, only a week, try eating, exercising, making mistakes, looking at your body, trying on clothes, with love. For a week, change your perception and open up to a different world. You have nothing to lose if I am wrong. I mean, I can clearly see that your harsh criticism has really helped you heal... Here are the rules:
When we change our perceptions from looking at everything we are doing wrong to everything that is loving and right with our world, everything changes. Let me know what happened to you! I swore I would never be like my mother...and yet I am.
I swore I would never be like my mother. Actually, I have hardly spoken to her the last few days so furious am I that she does not listen to me, constantly invades me, and only thinks of herself. I try to be so clear about my needs to her, about my desire to be heard, to be given space. I feel sad and frustrated, not wanting a relationship with someone who is so unable to take anyone else into account.
Tonight, I learned a tough lesson. I do the exact same thing onto my body that my mother does to me. Boy do I ever not want to see this!...
Many of us are quite proud that we have managed to be different from our caretakers. Better. We may not spank our kids, make every effort to listen to our mates, and make sure to manage our control issues. We have unfortunately forgotten one place where a part of us IS carrying on our childhood legacy: in our relationship with our bodies. Unfortunately, because our bodies don't show their pain as our crying children do, or their anger like an irate husband, we can easily overlook our destructive behavior. It often takes until we get sick for us to see how badly we have mistreated our bodies. Today, when I realized that I treat my body just the way my mother treats me, I felt humbled and scared. I truly believe that my mother could do much better than she does, that if she made just the slightest effort, truly wanted to love me, she could change easily. But when I realize that I need to spend more time truly listening to my body, focus less on the short-term pleasure of doing exactly what I want, give my body more space to be in relationship with me, I'm not sure if I can do it. I am just like my mother. Will I call my mother tomorrow and cry with compassion and humility? I'll let you know. Tonight, I would still so much rather stay on my pedestal of the victim child. But my full belly keeps reminding me that it spoke to me tonight and I didn't listen. That it told me to stop invading and I refused to see. No one knows better than me what that feels like. My heart breaks. I am sorry. It is time to walk the talk. Archives - Previous Posts
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