Sunday, June 25, 2006

To exercise or not to exercise? That is the question.

Last night, I ate too much. I had a fitful sleep, as my body was busy trying to digest more food than it needed. When I woke up this morning, the first thing my mind told me was that I should exercise. Exercising would make me get rid of the extra calories, it said. It would allow me to have another big dinner tonight, as we are going out again. And, most importantly, exercise would keep me looking good enough for my upcoming trip to my old home town. Being thin always calms my fears about going back.

Hour after hour, I sat in my sun room, trying to find the motivation to go for my run. I felt sadness and anxiety instead. As I focused on these feelings, I connected to a part of me that is so very tired of working out SO THAT I can be thin. When I work out to get "thin enough", I am without connection to what my body actually needs. I don't care if my body is tired: I'm going to go for a long run. I don't care that I have a cold: I'm going to lift weights. From this place, my body is a hated instrument that I need to keep under control.

As I continued to sit, I began imagining actually working out to celebrate our bodies, their strength, flexibility, and endurance. I imagined how we could learn to love how our leg muscles feel when we lift heavy weights rather than worrying if our legs look thinner. I imagined going for a run because we want our beloved heart to be stronger not because we can burn more calories. I imagined completing a set of sit-ups because our spine needs more support not because we are hoping to get a 15 year-old's six-pack.

Putting our focus INSIDE our bodies require practice. We are so accustomed to looking to its exterior, obsessing about the size of our stomach or our breasts, or our thights. It is so easy to find ways to focus on our exterior: mirrors, scales, the size and fit of our clothes. These are constant reminders about whether we measure up or not (literally!). Looking inside requires a deeper, subtler level of awareness and presence. How does your right foot FEEL right now as it touches the ground? Can you feel your arm muscles if you stretch them slowly? Is your body feeling energized or lethargic? Does it want to move or is it looking for gentler care?

When I focus inside, I feel deep joy and gratitude for what my body can do for me. When I focus outside, I feel anxiety, self-hate, and shame.

To love ourselves and our bodies enough to be willing to listen to what we truly need is a challenge. No doubt about it. To focus on our bodies' internal brilliance rather than external looks stretches us beyond a beloved comfort zone. We have to be willing to let go of the simplicity of our society's black and white rules for being loved and open up to the uncertainty that being authentic might bring.

For today, I invite you to go inward and listen. You may not understand what you hear at first. But as you become acquainted with your body's language, you will become clear about what you need and how to get those needs met. You will finally be willing to be yourself.

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